My Story: A New Life - Part IV
Continued from A New Life - Part III
After a couple weeks in the slammer, I was granted a personal bond by the court, following my preliminary hearing. I was facing charges of Impaired Driving (2nd offense), and Possession of Cocaine. This was, without a doubt, the most legal trouble I had ever been in.
During my stay in the pokey, I'd had plenty of time to mull over my options for what to do when I got out. But I didn't really need to ponder very much - I knew I needed to go to one of the Salvation Army's Adult Rehabilitation Centers (ARCs). I had a friend in the recovery community who'd recently completed the six-month ARC program, and he was in the best shape I'd ever seen him in. I figured if the ARC could help this friend of mine, it could help me as well. But, with no job and no place to live, my options were limited anyway. I needed a free roof over my head.
I drove to the ARC (legally - I still had my driver's license, as I hadn't been sentenced yet) one morning for an intake interview. After asking me a series of questions to determine that I was, in fact, in dire straits (e.g. without employment, housing, medical insurance, etc., and preferably had already tried short-term treatment, as I had twice), the intake coordinator instructed me to call him every morning after 8am to check for an opening. This being winter, the facility tended to stay full. In the summer, many potential clients preferred to sleep on the streets.
While I was waiting to get into the ARC, I stayed with my parents. They took me in temporarily, on the condition that I stay clean, attend AA meetings, and diligently seek other living arrangements. In the past they had allowed me to live with them (provided I payed room & board - they didn't want to completely enable my addiction), but by early 2004, I had worn out my welcome. They felt, and I agreed, that it wasn't in my best interest to retreat back home anymore. I would guess they were also a bit apprehensive about the prospect of a crackhead with fewer than thirty days clean moving in. At any rate, I'm grateful they let me crash there for a few weeks until I got into the ARC program.
One day in early February, a bed became available. The intake coordinator told me it would be held for me until the next morning. I was relieved - not only to be accepted into the program, but not to have more time with which to second-guess my decision to check in. Looking back, I think I would most likely have relapsed if I hadn't put myself in the protective bubble that was the Salvation Army ARC, Romulus, MI. I wanted to stay clean more than ever, but the urge to use drugs was intense and relentless.
Despite having been clean for about five weeks, I was still feeling rough when I checked in. I'd had time to recuperate physically, but I was in the doldrums mentally. I tend to be at a low point in my mood cycle in the winter (I'm susceptible to Seasonal Affective Disorder - S.A.D.), and my circumstances weren't exactly helping to cheer me up.
I met with my assigned counselor on my second day at the facility. She proved to be a pragmatic, no-nonsense type of lady. Over the course of my stay, she came to be the staff member I trusted the most. At our initial meeting, I expressed a mixture of hope and skepticism regarding my prospects for the future. I felt I was doing everything I could do to get on the right track, but I didn't know if my best efforts would be enough. At various times in the past I had "worked a good program" and had ended up relapsing anyway. My pattern was to start off enthusiastically, then gradually go back to old ways of thinking and behaving. I told my counselor I didn't know if it was rational to expect anything different this time.
The odds were against me. I was beginning to appreciate a cliche I'd been hearing around AA for years: "I know I have another relapse in me, but I don't know if I have another recovery in me."